165. METAMORPHOSIS
Parte 1/4 - Part 1/4
¡Bendita segunda adolescencia!
Blessed second adolescence!
Fecha/date: 7/10/22
"Bailemos siempre como si fuese la primera vez, ¡y que la fiesta continúe!"
"Let´s dance as if it were the first time, and keep the party going!"
Explicación/ Explanation:
Eran muchos los interrogantes que tenía respecto a mi manera de relacionarme.
Especialmente, con nuevos y viejos conocidos.
Aquel suceso, hizo que me cuestionase el tipo de gente del que me rodeaba. Y también, la calidad de mis interacciones, las personas que me apetecía tener cerca y las que no, y hasta mi manera de actuar, especialmente con aquellas que consideraba "conflictivas".
Me creía una experta en el arte de evitar conflictos.
Como tenía muy claro que las movidas de otros ni me interesaban ni tenían nada que ver conmigo, para curarme en salud, procuraba reservarme mi opinión, y jamás posicionarme en contra de nadie, ¡por más amistad que tuviese con una de las partes implicadas!
Por eso, cuando alguien se acercaba con la intención de sonsacarme información acerca de terceros, me hacía la rubia tonta que no se entera de nada. Y raramente defendía a ningún amigo porque delante de mí nadie los criticaba...
De una manera u otra, digamos que me sentía segura.
Lograba salir airosa de muchas situaciones, de forma natural y sin esfuerzo, sin ofender (o eso creo) ni sentirme ofendida, y manteniendo la calma.
También era capaz de decir lo que pensaba, a la cara, sin rodeos, con una sonrisa de oreja a oreja, ¡y hasta de firmar la paz antes de que estallase la guerra!
Un simple," ¡ya está, y aquí no ha pasado nada!" verdadero me había evitado muchas movidas.
Pero, aquella tarde vinieron a contarme chismorreos acerca de mi propia persona., ¡y eso no me lo esperaba!
Ni siquiera recordaba la última vez que alguien había intentado intoxicarme con lo que supuestamente decían por ahí de mi... ¡Y era la primera vez que veía tanta malicia!
Que me dijesen que una persona andaba extendiendo el rumor de que mi pareja me maltrataba, me dejó de piedra.
Sin embargo, no fue la infamia en sí lo que más me sorprendió, sino mi manera de reaccionar.
¡Porque me descojoné de la risa! Y no una vez, sino dos.
Primero, en las narices del mensajero, al que solamente le dije:
-¿Crees que si hubiese algo de cierto en lo que dices tendría ganas de reírme?
Y un rato después, cuando se lo conté a mi pareja.
Ambos nos reímos de la exclusiva, del mensajero, y hasta del supuesto calumniador, que sabíamos que al igual que el anterior, era capaz de inventarse cualquier cosa.
En cualquier caso, no me di cuenta de que aquel suceso me había dejado un poco rayada hasta que, transcurridos un par de días, me sorprendí preguntándome por qué la gente se comportaba como lo hacía, ¡y a punto estuve de volver a caer en la trampa de buscarle sentido a lo que no lo tenía!
Lo peor, como siempre, fueron las dudas que de repente me asaltaron...
¿Y si lo sucedido había sido un aviso para que estuviese más alerta?, ¿era una ilusa al creerme intocable porque no me metía con nadie?,
Me sentí confusa porque aunque me desconcertaba mi reacción, también estaba contenta.
Sabía que reírme había sido lo mejor que podía hacer, pero ¡aquel chisme no era ningún chiste!...(¡Todavía no me explico cómo alguien puede inventarse semejante disparate!)
En definitiva, me sentía incongruente, y eso no me gustaba.
Pero, lo peor no fue eso, sino saber a ciencia cierta que, tarde o temprano, me volvería a reencontrar con esas personas, ¡y sólo de pensarlo ya me sentía incómoda!
¿Por qué narices tenía que incomodarme su presencia si hasta el momento me había importado una mierda?
Cuando me di cuenta de que era la sensación de incomodidad, lo que de veras me causaba malestar, supe lo que tenía que hacer...
Buscar dentro de mi la manera de dar una vuelta de tuerca a lo que sentía para cesar de preguntarme chorradas y volver a ver a esa gente como lo que era...
¡Meros extras esporádicos, diseñados para compartir momentos de euforia colectiva, pegarse cuatro bailes, y si acaso, echarse unas risas!
Y dejarlos en el lugar de dónde nunca deberían salir. Es decir, habitando en la periferia de mi mundo, y lo más alejados del centro, la zona VIP para vínculos valiosos donde me reservo el derecho de admisión.
Me sirvió de mucho recordar que la gente es como es, no como a mí me gustaría, ¡y que escapa de mi control cualquier cosa que hagan o digan!
Con ello, me quité de encima el peso de cargar con la creencia errónea de que tenía algo que temer o alguien a quién evitar. Y lo mejor, desapareció la necesidad de comenzar a creer que debía prepararme para defenderme o atacar.
Lo único que tenía que hacer era seguir yendo a lo mío, pasar de líos, y ser lo suficientemente honesta como para reconocer que, encontrármelos por ahí nunca sería un drama, sino una muy buena señal...
¡Señal de que podía disfrutar del mundo de la noche del que todos formábamos parte!
Mundo que, dicho sea de paso, ya por aquel entonces, comenzaba a estar de lo más revuelto...De repente, parecía que los locales nocturnos de ocio se hubiesen convertido en patios de colegio.
Desavenencias, malentendidos, chismorreos...¡Me sorprendía ver a tanta gente, supuestamente adulta, comportándose como niños pequeños intoxicados de azúcar al final de un cumpleaños!
Y encima, los conflictos que surgían, no servían para nada más que para crear enemistad entre la gente.
En cualquier caso, lo que me fastidiaba era que, para un día que podía salir, se celebrasen varias fiestas al mismo tiempo, la gente se repartiese, y cada vez resultase más difícil coincidir con la mayoría en una sala.
¡Una lástima, después de lo bien que lo habíamos pasado bailando todos juntos! Y digo juntos, no revueltos, porque no hay mundo, ni diurno ni nocturno, que sea perfecto...
(El hecho de que la euforia nos conecte un sábado, no significa que cuando llega el lunes, no sepamos que no todos con los que alternamos son amigos, ni personas con la que nos apetecería tomarnos un café entre semana...)
¡Hasta yo que tenía por mala costumbre ver amigos donde no los había, tenía eso muy claro! Y ninguna queja al respecto...
Para mí lo lamentable era oír a gente quejándose por chorradas, en lugar de valorar lo que teníamos.
¡Éramos tan afortunados!
Teníamos la suerte de pasarlo como enanos, con gente de nuestra edad, en nuestro ambiente, disfrutando de la música que nos gustaba...
Y lo mejor, podíamos permitirnos el lujo de ser nosotros mismos sin sentirnos bichos raros... (Porque por más "normales" que nos veamos, lo habitual no es toparse con un puñado de carrozas comportándose como adolescentes.)
Y es que, ¡bendita segunda adolescencia la que vivimos cada vez que nos juntamos!
Explanation:
There were many questions I had about my way of relating.
Especially with new and old acquaintances.
It was a situation at a party that led me to separate the wheat from the chaff.
That event made me question the type of people I surrounded myself with. And also, the quality of my interactions, the people I wanted to be close to and those I didn't, and even the way I acted, especially with those I considered "conflictive".
I thought I was an expert in the art of conflict avoidance.
As I was very clear that I was neither interested in other people's affairs nor did they have anything to do with me, I tried to keep my opinion to myself, and never took a stand against anyone, no matter how close I was to one of the parties involved!
That's why, when someone approached me with the intention of getting information out of me about third parties, I played the dumb blonde who doesn't know anything. And I rarely defended any of my friends because nobody criticised them in front of me...
One way or another, let's say I felt safe.
I managed to get out of many situations, naturally and effortlessly, without offending (or so I think) or feeling offended, and keeping my cool.
I was also able to say what I thought, to my face, bluntly, with a smile from ear to ear, and even sign peace before war broke out!
A simple,"that's it, and nothing has happened here!" had saved me a lot of trouble.
But, that afternoon they came to tell me gossips about my life, and I didn't expect that!
I couldn't even remember the last time someone had tried to intoxicate me with what people were supposedly saying about me. And it was the first time I had ever seen such malice!
Being told that someone was spreading the rumour that my partner was mistreating me was shocking.
However, it wasn 't the infamy itself that surprised me the most, but the way I reacted.
Because I burst out laughing! And not once, but twice.
First, in the face of the messenger, to whom I only said:
-Do you think that if there was any truth in what you say I would feel like laughing?
And a while later, with my partner. We both laughed at the exclusive news story, at the messenger, and even at the supposed slanderer, who we knew, like the previous one, was capable of inventing anything.
In any case, I didn't realise that the event had upset me a little bit until a couple of days later, when I caught myself wondering why people behaved as they did, and I almost fell back into the trap of trying to make sense of something that didn't make sense!
The worst thing, as always, was the doubts that suddenly assailed me...
What if what had happened had been a warning to me to be more alert, was I deluded into believing I was untouchable?
I was confused! I was puzzled by my reaction, but I was also happy. Laughing was the best I could do, but that gossip was no joke!(I still can't understand how anyone could make up such nonsense!)
In short, I felt incongruous, and I didn't like that.
And the worst thing was not that, but knowing for sure that, sooner or later, I would meet those two people again, and just thinking about it made me feel uncomfortable!
Why on earth should I be uncomfortable in their presence if I hadn't given a shit about them so far?
When I realised that it was the feeling of discomfort that was really making me uncomfortable, I knew what I had to do...
Find within myself a way to turn what I was feeling around , to stop wondering about bullshit and to see these people for what they were...Sporadic extras, designed to share moments of collective euphoria, have some dances, and if anything, have a few laughs!
And keep them in the place they should never have left. That is to say, inhabiting the periphery of my world, and as far away from the centre as possible, the VIP zone for valuable links where I reserve the right of admission.
It served me well to remember that people are the way they are, not the way I would like them to be, and that whatever they do or say is beyond my control!
In doing so, I lifted from the burden of carrying the mistaken belief that I had something to fear or someone to avoid. And best of all, my need to start believing that I had to prepare to defend myself or attack disappeared.All I had to do was to keep going about my business, not to mess around, and to be honest enough to recognise that meeting them would not ever be a drama, but a very good sign...
A sign that I could enjoy the world of the night we shared!
A world that, by the way, was starting to be in turmoil at that time... It seemed to be that the night parties had turned into schoolyards.
Disagreements, misunderstandings, gossip... Supposedly adult people behaving like sugar-intoxicated toddlers at the end of a birthday party!
And on top of that, the conflicts that arose only served to create enmity between people...
Honestly, I didn't give a damn about the bickering and the offended people.
What annoyed me was that I had very few chances to go out and when I did it, there were some parties in a single day, so the people were divided up, and it was increasingly difficult to coincide with the majority of people in the same nightclub!
What a pity, after the fun we had all had dancing together! And I say together, not mixed up, because there is no world, day or night, that is perfect...
The fact that euphoria brings us together on a Saturday night doesn't mean that when Monday arrives, we don't realise that neither everyone we alternate with are friends, nor we would be willing to meet many of them for a coffee during the week...Even I, who tend to see friends where there are none, am very clear about that, and I have no complaints about it....
The only thing that annoyed me was hearing people complaining about bullshit, instead of appreciating what we had.
We were so lucky!
We had the chance of having a great time, with people our own age, in our own environment, enjoying the music we liked for hours...
It was a situation at a party that led me to separate the wheat from the chaff.
That event made me question the type of people I surrounded myself with. And also, the quality of my interactions, the people I wanted to be close to and those I didn't, and even the way I acted, especially with those I considered "conflictive".
I managed to get out of many situations, naturally and effortlessly, without offending (or so I think) or feeling offended, and keeping my cool.
I was also able to say what I thought, to my face, bluntly, with a smile from ear to ear, and even sign peace before war broke out!
A simple,"that's it, and nothing has happened here!" had saved me a lot of trouble.
But, that afternoon they came to tell me gossips about my life, and I didn't expect that!
I couldn't even remember the last time someone had tried to intoxicate me with what people were supposedly saying about me. And it was the first time I had ever seen such malice!
Being told that someone was spreading the rumour that my partner was mistreating me was shocking.
However, it wasn 't the infamy itself that surprised me the most, but the way I reacted.
Because I burst out laughing! And not once, but twice.
First, in the face of the messenger, to whom I only said:
-Do you think that if there was any truth in what you say I would feel like laughing?
And a while later, with my partner. We both laughed at the exclusive news story, at the messenger, and even at the supposed slanderer, who we knew, like the previous one, was capable of inventing anything.
In any case, I didn't realise that the event had upset me a little bit until a couple of days later, when I caught myself wondering why people behaved as they did, and I almost fell back into the trap of trying to make sense of something that didn't make sense!
The worst thing, as always, was the doubts that suddenly assailed me...
What if what had happened had been a warning to me to be more alert, was I deluded into believing I was untouchable?
I was confused! I was puzzled by my reaction, but I was also happy. Laughing was the best I could do, but that gossip was no joke!(I still can't understand how anyone could make up such nonsense!)
In short, I felt incongruous, and I didn't like that.
And the worst thing was not that, but knowing for sure that, sooner or later, I would meet those two people again, and just thinking about it made me feel uncomfortable!
Why on earth should I be uncomfortable in their presence if I hadn't given a shit about them so far?
When I realised that it was the feeling of discomfort that was really making me uncomfortable, I knew what I had to do...
Find within myself a way to turn what I was feeling around , to stop wondering about bullshit and to see these people for what they were...
Sporadic extras, designed to share moments of collective euphoria, have some dances, and if anything, have a few laughs!
And keep them in the place they should never have left. That is to say, inhabiting the periphery of my world, and as far away from the centre as possible, the VIP zone for valuable links where I reserve the right of admission.
It served me well to remember that people are the way they are, not the way I would like them to be, and that whatever they do or say is beyond my control!
In doing so, I lifted from the burden of carrying the mistaken belief that I had something to fear or someone to avoid. And best of all, my need to start believing that I had to prepare to defend myself or attack disappeared.
All I had to do was to keep going about my business, not to mess around, and to be honest enough to recognise that meeting them would not ever be a drama, but a very good sign...
A sign that I could enjoy the world of the night we shared!
A world that, by the way, was starting to be in turmoil at that time... It seemed to be that the night parties had turned into schoolyards.
Disagreements, misunderstandings, gossip... Supposedly adult people behaving like sugar-intoxicated toddlers at the end of a birthday party!
And on top of that, the conflicts that arose only served to create enmity between people...
Honestly, I didn't give a damn about the bickering and the offended people.
What annoyed me was that I had very few chances to go out and when I did it, there were some parties in a single day, so the people were divided up, and it was increasingly difficult to coincide with the majority of people in the same nightclub!
What a pity, after the fun we had all had dancing together! And I say together, not mixed up, because there is no world, day or night, that is perfect...
The fact that euphoria brings us together on a Saturday night doesn't mean that when Monday arrives, we don't realise that neither everyone we alternate with are friends, nor we would be willing to meet many of them for a coffee during the week...
Even I, who tend to see friends where there are none, am very clear about that, and I have no complaints about it....
The only thing that annoyed me was hearing people complaining about bullshit, instead of appreciating what we had.
We were so lucky!
We had the chance of having a great time, with people our own age, in our own environment, enjoying the music we liked for hours...
And best of all, the luxury of being ourselves, without feeling weirdoes.... Because no matter how "normal" we believed ourselves...It wasn't usual to bump into a bunch of old people behaving like teenagers.
And the fact was that, blessed second adolescence we live every time we get together!
Depeche Mode- Never let me down again.
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