181.NUEVO COMIENZONEW BEGINNING
"Tu compromiso es contigo"
"Your commitment is with you"
18/05/23
"De mis amigos solo espero que no me j*dan".
"From my friends I only expect they don't f*ck with me".
El guía turístico de Tirana.
(The Tirana tour guide)
.
Explicación / Explanation:
Llevaba días viendo bandadas de pájaros pasar.
Pudiera ser aquel el motivo por el que dibujé a la niña de mi cincuenta aniversario sosteniendo un pájaro con las manos.
La niñita murciélago al pie de una escalera que se cortaba, no solo confirmaba las ganas de abandonar mi cueva, sino también la sensación de que no me quedaba más remedio que hacerlo a tientas y a ciegas.
¡Qué confianza la suya! Se fían tanto de la energía, que saben adónde se dirigen aunque no tengan ni oído ni vista- pensé mientras coloreaba las paredes de rojo.
Me lamentaba porque veía mis ganas de echar a volar en todas partes, y solo daba palos de ciego.
La realidad a la que me tocaba hacer frente era lo que era, y no podía cambiarla.
No había nadie a quién esperar.
Ya había entendido que mi compromiso era conmigo. Me correspondía a mí elegir entre conformarme o transformarme.
Los demás seguirían ahí, pero ni siquiera me darían una palmadita en la espalda.
Creía haber llegado al punto de conformarme con que no me pusiesen la zancadilla. O peor todavía, que me mantuviesen a la espera de noticias.
Aquello, se lo debo en parte al guía de Tirana, que sin conocerme de nada, me echó un rapapolvo cuando le comenté que mi arte no estaba en venta, y que a veces lo regalaba...
-"De mis amigos no espero nada. Pero, ¡que no me j*dan!"- me dijo antes de brindar con un raki. Aquella frase se me quedó grabada.
Según su punto de vista, al regalar mis dibujos lo único que conseguía era que los demás no apreciasen mi arte. Eso me causó mucha confusión.
De repente, ¡hasta mostrar aprecio por otros obsequiándoles con lo que más amaba era un error!
Lo peor fue que llegué a cuestionarme si lo hacía para trabajar en el tema del desapego o sólo como un intento de "comprar cariño".
Fuese como fuese, no me estaba funcionando.
Las tres personas a las que, en los últimos tiempos, había querido regalarles un original, ni habían mostrado interés ni propiciado la ocasión de recibirlo.
Aquello me había causado, aparte de desánimo, mucho desconcierto, y un gran sentimiento de desvalorización porque a esas personas les tenía mucho aprecio.
-Pasito a pasito, ¡ya sabrás que hacer! Un escalón después de otro- me dije para darme ánimos mientras perfilaba los escalones.
Escalones que lamenté no haber dibujado de mayor tamaño, porque en lo referente a mi faceta artística, me parecían tan enormes que, más que subirlos, me iba a tocar aprender a escalarlos.
-Tú no te preocupes, ¡que no te faltarán escaleras y relaciones nuevas!, ¡será por obstáculos y gente!- oí que me decía en voz baja cuando llegué al enorme círculo que había dibujado, y no sabía por qué.
Ya me había visualizado en pie frente a la realidad que me tocaba afrontar.
Ya me había recordado que ni podía ni debía intentar cambiarla.
Ya contaba con que esa realidad me exigía trabajar en mí y para mí en exclusiva, en primera y última instancia.
¡Y hasta intuía que para crearme un nuevo comienzo, ya no podía seguir siendo la misma!
-¿Y a partir de ahora, qué?- me pregunté mientras me asomaba al círculo vacío, que pronto transformaría en un anillo en el que grabé la primera frase que se me pasó por la cabeza y la letra del mantra que acababa de escuchar.
Y en cuanto me descuidé, la mancha roja era la cabeza de un extraño pez que se dirigía en actitud desafiante al encuentro de una chica.
-¡Qué bien! Parece que te has desecho de las lápidas de cartón piedra que simbolizaban los recuerdos de pasado que ya no te sirven para nada-fue lo primero que pensé, olvidándome de aquel enorme pez con cara de pocos amigos.
Entonces, no me di cuenta de que para volar, hacían falta dos alas, y sólo me había dibujado una.
El detalle del ala que faltaba, solo confirmaba que no me había dibujado en un lugar nuevo... Estaba donde siempre, situada en mi zona de confort, que no era ningún espacio, sino el estado mental caótico al que estaba acostumbrada.
De aquello no me percaté. Sin embargo, sí que pensé en lo harta que estaba de ser mi bunker, mi reclusa ¡y hasta mi carcelera! Estaba cansada de sentirme incómoda allá donde estuviera.
Sentí que más que centrarme en decidir si transformarme o conformarme, me correspondía aceptar que era y siempre sería, la única zona de confort que tendría.
-¡No avanzas nada!- me reproché al ver que no sacaba nada en claro, y estaba a punto de dar la lámina por terminada. Y entonces me repliqué:
-Trabaja en ti, y ya estarás haciendo algo que valga la pena, ¡por ti y por el universo entero!
De mí dependía, quedarte pasmada y sin hacer nada, mirando un sol que me cegaba, o trabajar en la penumbra hasta que lograse hacerme con un par de alas en condiciones.
Si deseaba cambiar, debía cesar de quejarme...Lo más difícil era decidir entre dejar con vida los pájaros que tenía en la cabeza o asesinarlos para que dejasen de incordiarme.
-¡Decídete de una vez, o nunca te crearás un nuevo comienzo!-me exigí.
El detalle del ala que faltaba, solo confirmaba que no me había dibujado en un lugar nuevo... Estaba donde siempre, situada en mi zona de confort, que no era ningún espacio, sino el estado mental caótico al que estaba acostumbrada.
De aquello no me percaté. Sin embargo, sí que pensé en lo harta que estaba de ser mi bunker, mi reclusa ¡y hasta mi carcelera! Estaba cansada de sentirme incómoda allá donde estuviera.
Sentí que más que centrarme en decidir si transformarme o conformarme, me correspondía aceptar que era y siempre sería, la única zona de confort que tendría.
-¡No avanzas nada!- me reproché al ver que no sacaba nada en claro, y estaba a punto de dar la lámina por terminada. Y entonces me repliqué:
-Trabaja en ti, y ya estarás haciendo algo que valga la pena, ¡por ti y por el universo entero!
Pero, como en aquel momento, no me apetecía comprometerme a nada, ¡y menos conmigo misma!, me cambié de tema poniéndome a cantar el mantra.
Eso creía yo, ¡que estaba evadiendo comprometerme conmigo!
Hoy sé que el Humee Hum Brahm Hum estaba dándome la respuesta que necesitaba.
(Este mantra se relaciona con el cuarto chakra y nos habla de la importancia de mantener el corazón abierto para sentirnos parte del flujo de la vida.)
¿Cómo no me di cuenta?, ¿cómo no me percaté de que para fluir con la vida, era necesario aprender a mantener el corazón abierto?,¿cómo no vi que el mío se estaba cerrando un poquito más cada día que pasaba?
No es de extrañar. También me equivoqué al pensar en un nuevo comienzo como la creación de una ficción "verdadera", en vez de una ficción que realmente mereciese la pena.
Lo único que me quedó claro tras finalizar este dibujo fue lo mucho que necesitaba trabajar en mi indecisión enfermiza y lo desconectada que me sentía de mi misma.
Sin darme cuenta, me estaba haciendo lo que más me fastidiaba que me hiciesen los demás:
Mantenerme a la espera. Dejarme más colgada que aquel oso que había visto en una ventana de Albania.
I had been watching flocks of birds passing by for days.
I imagine that was the reason why I drew my fiftieth birthday little girl holding a bird in her hands.
The little bat girl at the foot of a staircase that was being cut off, confirmed my desire to leave my cave, and the feeling that I had no choice but to grope blindly.
-If only I knew how to move like the bats! They are experts at being guided by the waves. How confident they are that they trust the energy so much that they know where they are going even though they have neither hearing nor sight!- I said to myself as I coloured the walls red.
During those days, I would see my desire to fly all over the place, and all I did was nothing. The reality I had to face was what it was. I could not change it.
I knew there was no one to wait for.
My commitment was to me. And it was up to me to choose between conforming or transforming.
The others would still be there, but they wouldn't even give me a pat on the back.
I had reached the point where I was content not to let them trip me up. Or worse, that they would leave me waiting for news that they never gave me.
I owe that in part to the guide in Tirana, who, without knowing me at all, gave me a telling off when I told him that my art was not for sale, and that I sometimes gave it away...
‘I don't expect anything from my friends. I'm satisfied if they don't f*ck me!"- he exclaimed before making a toast with a shot of raki.
According to his point of view, by giving away my drawings, the only thing I was achieving was that others didn't appreciate my art.
That sentence stuck with me, because of the confusion it created!
Suddenly, even gifting others with what I loved to do most to show my appreciation towards them was wrong!
The worst thing was that I came to question whether I was doing it to work on detachment or just as an attempt to ‘buy affection’.
Whichever way it was, it wasn't working for me.
The three people to whom I had wanted to give an original in recent times had neither shown any interest nor given me the opportunity to receive it.
This had caused me, apart from discouragement, a lot of bewilderment, and a great feeling of devaluation because I was very fond of these people.
-Step by step, you'll know what to do! One step after another- I said to myself to encourage myself as I coloured the steps.
Steps that I regretted not having drawn bigger, because as far as my artistic side was concerned, they seemed so enormous that, rather than climbing them, I was going to have to learn how to climb them.
-Don't worry, you won't be short of stairs and new relationships, it's all about obstacles and people!- I heard me say quietly as I looked at the huge circle I had drawn, and I didn't know why.
I had already visualised myself standing in front of the reality I was facing.
I had already reminded myself that I could not and should not try to change it.
I already knew that this reality required me to work in me and for me exclusively, in the first and last instance.
And I even sensed that in order to create a new beginning, I could no longer be the same!
-What´s next step?- I asked myself as I peered into the empty circle, which I would soon transform into a ring on which I engraved the first sentence that came to my mind and the words of the mantra I had just heard.
And the next thing I saw, was the red spot turned into head of a strange fish defiantly heading to meet a girl.
-How nice! You seem to have got rid of the papier-mâché tombstones that symbolised the memories of the past that are no longer of any use to you - that was my first thought, forgetting about the huge fish with the unfriendly face.
At that time, I didn't notice that you need two wings to fly, and I had only drawn one.
The detail of the missing wing confirmed that I hadn't drawn me in a new place... I was where I always was, situated in my comfort zone, which was no space at all, but the chaotic state of mind I was used to.
I didn't think of it. However, I did think about how tired I was of being my bunker, my recluse and even my jailer at once! I was sick tired of feeling uncomfortable wherever I was.
I knew than focusing on deciding whether to transform or conform was not as relevant as the acceptance of the fact that me myself was and would always be the only comfort zone I could ever have.
-You're not making any progress!- I reproached myself when I saw that I wasn't getting anything clear and this drawing was almost fiinished.
And then I retorted:
-Work on yourself, and you'll be doing something worthwhile, to you and to the whole universe!
Then I understand that it was up to me to stand by and do nothing, staring at a sun that blinded me, or to work in the gloom until I could get a proper pair of wings.
If I wanted to change, I had to stop complaining and make the decision of leaving the birds in my head alive or killing them so that they would stop bothering me.
-Make up your mind at once, or you will never create a new beginning for yourself!- I demanded.
But since I didn't feel like committing myself to anything at that moment, least of all to myself, I changed the subject and started chanting the mantra.
That's what I thought, that I was skipping a question!
Today I know that Humee Hum Brahm Hum was giving me the answer.
This mantra relates to the fourth chakra and speaks of the importance of keeping the heart open to feel part of the flow of life.
How did I not realise that in order to flow with life, it was necessary to learn to keep my heart open? How is it possible that I did not see that mine was closing a little more with each passing day?
I was also wrong to think of a new beginning as the creation of a ‘true’ fiction, rather than a fiction that is actually worthwhile.
The one thing this drawing made clear to me was how much I needed to work on my unhealthy indecision and how disconnected from myself I felt.
Without realising it, I was doing to myself the same thing that I was so annoyed by others doing to me!:
Keeping me waiting. Leaving me more hung up than that bear I'd seen in a window in Albany.
I had been watching flocks of birds passing by for days.
I imagine that was the reason why I drew my fiftieth birthday little girl holding a bird in her hands.
The little bat girl at the foot of a staircase that was being cut off, confirmed my desire to leave my cave, and the feeling that I had no choice but to grope blindly.
-If only I knew how to move like the bats! They are experts at being guided by the waves. How confident they are that they trust the energy so much that they know where they are going even though they have neither hearing nor sight!- I said to myself as I coloured the walls red.
During those days, I would see my desire to fly all over the place, and all I did was nothing.
The reality I had to face was what it was. I could not change it.
I knew there was no one to wait for.
My commitment was to me. And it was up to me to choose between conforming or transforming.
The others would still be there, but they wouldn't even give me a pat on the back.
I had reached the point where I was content not to let them trip me up. Or worse, that they would leave me waiting for news that they never gave me.
I owe that in part to the guide in Tirana, who, without knowing me at all, gave me a telling off when I told him that my art was not for sale, and that I sometimes gave it away...
‘I don't expect anything from my friends. I'm satisfied if they don't f*ck me!"- he exclaimed before making a toast with a shot of raki.
According to his point of view, by giving away my drawings, the only thing I was achieving was that others didn't appreciate my art.
That sentence stuck with me, because of the confusion it created!
Suddenly, even gifting others with what I loved to do most to show my appreciation towards them was wrong!
The worst thing was that I came to question whether I was doing it to work on detachment or just as an attempt to ‘buy affection’.
Whichever way it was, it wasn't working for me.
The three people to whom I had wanted to give an original in recent times had neither shown any interest nor given me the opportunity to receive it.
This had caused me, apart from discouragement, a lot of bewilderment, and a great feeling of devaluation because I was very fond of these people.
-Step by step, you'll know what to do! One step after another- I said to myself to encourage myself as I coloured the steps.
Steps that I regretted not having drawn bigger, because as far as my artistic side was concerned, they seemed so enormous that, rather than climbing them, I was going to have to learn how to climb them.
-Don't worry, you won't be short of stairs and new relationships, it's all about obstacles and people!- I heard me say quietly as I looked at the huge circle I had drawn, and I didn't know why.
I had already visualised myself standing in front of the reality I was facing.
I had already reminded myself that I could not and should not try to change it.
I already knew that this reality required me to work in me and for me exclusively, in the first and last instance.
And I even sensed that in order to create a new beginning, I could no longer be the same!
-What´s next step?- I asked myself as I peered into the empty circle, which I would soon transform into a ring on which I engraved the first sentence that came to my mind and the words of the mantra I had just heard.
And the next thing I saw, was the red spot turned into head of a strange fish defiantly heading to meet a girl.
-How nice! You seem to have got rid of the papier-mâché tombstones that symbolised the memories of the past that are no longer of any use to you - that was my first thought, forgetting about the huge fish with the unfriendly face.
At that time, I didn't notice that you need two wings to fly, and I had only drawn one.
The detail of the missing wing confirmed that I hadn't drawn me in a new place... I was where I always was, situated in my comfort zone, which was no space at all, but the chaotic state of mind I was used to.
I didn't think of it. However, I did think about how tired I was of being my bunker, my recluse and even my jailer at once! I was sick tired of feeling uncomfortable wherever I was.
I knew than focusing on deciding whether to transform or conform was not as relevant as the acceptance of the fact that me myself was and would always be the only comfort zone I could ever have.
-You're not making any progress!- I reproached myself when I saw that I wasn't getting anything clear and this drawing was almost fiinished.
And then I retorted:
-Work on yourself, and you'll be doing something worthwhile, to you and to the whole universe!
Then I understand that it was up to me to stand by and do nothing, staring at a sun that blinded me, or to work in the gloom until I could get a proper pair of wings.
If I wanted to change, I had to stop complaining and make the decision of leaving the birds in my head alive or killing them so that they would stop bothering me.
-Make up your mind at once, or you will never create a new beginning for yourself!- I demanded.
But since I didn't feel like committing myself to anything at that moment, least of all to myself, I changed the subject and started chanting the mantra.
That's what I thought, that I was skipping a question!
Today I know that Humee Hum Brahm Hum was giving me the answer.
This mantra relates to the fourth chakra and speaks of the importance of keeping the heart open to feel part of the flow of life.
How did I not realise that in order to flow with life, it was necessary to learn to keep my heart open? How is it possible that I did not see that mine was closing a little more with each passing day?
I was also wrong to think of a new beginning as the creation of a ‘true’ fiction, rather than a fiction that is actually worthwhile.
The one thing this drawing made clear to me was how much I needed to work on my unhealthy indecision and how disconnected from myself I felt.
Without realising it, I was doing to myself the same thing that I was so annoyed by others doing to me!:
Keeping me waiting. Leaving me more hung up than that bear I'd seen in a window in Albany.
"Los 'majmune' o 'monos' cuelgan de los tejados de casas y negocios. Es el remedio albanés para proteger a sus dueños contra el mal de ojo. La tradición comenzó a popularizarse en el país con la caída del régimen comunista."
"The ‘majmune’ or ‘monkeys’ hang from the roofs of houses and businesses. It is the Albanian remedy to protect their owners against the evil eye. The tradition began to become popular in the country with the fall of the communist regime."
Fugazi - Bad Mouth
Animal de poder- El Murciélago
Hummee Hum Brahm Hum
Significado: Nosotros somos nosotros. Nosotros somos Dios.
"El mantra Hummee Hum Brahm Hum significa “Nosotros somos nosotros, nosotros somos Dios.” Se refiere literalmente al espíritu de Dios, a la unión de la fuerza de la Tierra y del Cielo, permitiéndonos enfocarnos en la verdadera naturaleza del espíritu."
Meaning: We are us.We are God.
"The mantra Hummee Hum Brahm Hum means "We are us, we are God." It literally refers to the spirit of God, the union of the strength of Earth and Heaven, allowing us to focus on the true nature of the spirit."
Fugazi - Bad Mouth
Animal de poder- El Murciélago
Hummee Hum Brahm Hum
Significado: Nosotros somos nosotros. Nosotros somos Dios.
"El mantra Hummee Hum Brahm Hum significa “Nosotros somos nosotros, nosotros somos Dios.” Se refiere literalmente al espíritu de Dios, a la unión de la fuerza de la Tierra y del Cielo, permitiéndonos enfocarnos en la verdadera naturaleza del espíritu."
Meaning: We are us.We are God.
"The mantra Hummee Hum Brahm Hum means "We are us, we are God." It literally refers to the spirit of God, the union of the strength of Earth and Heaven, allowing us to focus on the true nature of the spirit."
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